How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
