how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
