I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
