I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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