Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My cat gives me a boner
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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