My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
