and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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