I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
