You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
