is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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