he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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