I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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