Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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