I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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