My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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