I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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