oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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