I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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