Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Never joke about your clitoris.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize