yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
