I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The uberlube is also flammable
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
