my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
