Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
