and she was petting her beer can
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
