i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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