It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
