First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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