omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
