Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
