I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
