my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize