definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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