He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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