Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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