conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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