no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
