Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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