I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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