I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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