So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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