shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
