God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
