I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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