I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
