yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
sarcasm needs its own font
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
