I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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