So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
