I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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