Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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