"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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