Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
