thus making me awesome and them whores
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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