Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
