just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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