I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sorry about my life...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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