You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
