i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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