if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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