was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
