You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
