I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
